window in the sub

There is a strange difference between my public and my private self. Of course, I tend to think the private self is more 'me' and the private is the 'show'. This is where lack of self-awareness comes in. It is me no matter where or when I am. Me hyped on people, me polite, me snarky, me calm, me careful, me spontaneous, me grumpy, me determined to get over the grump. I told a friend the other day, 'I'm really a very quiet person,' and she just laughed. Once upon a time, it would have been the other way around. 'I'm really a very social, funny person. The life of the party. Unpredictable, quirky, sometimes obnoxious.' Right.

It used to bother me, these distinctions. I called it inconsistency. I think I might have considered it a sin, somewhere in my frustrated, legalistic brain. (I'm still frustrated, still legalistic, still sinful and inconsistent.) Now, I think it's just me being human. It's also a kind of coping mechanism. I laugh more as the world becomes harder. I make people smile when they bring me bad news. I shrug off the world, because who can carry it? More importantly, it's a way to keep people at arm's length. It's my way of being distant. Which is perhaps why my family, for many years, didn't see much of my funny side. Weird, yes. Funny, no. Because I didn't care about keeping them away.

Not really sure where I'm going with this or what exactly I make of it all. I'm just thinking with my fingers on the keys.