Dear Jehovah's Witnesses,

If you're going to share your special version of the good news, aim for convenient timing. If you see a woman in her backyard, she might be at leisure to receive you. But if you can clearly see that she's in her backyard cleaning out the cat litter box, that's just not good timing. Moreover, if you realize she's been dealing in cat waste, it might not be the most dignified thing to ask her to handle your holy Scriptures. I would personally prefer to wash my hands before I held any Bible, especially after such activity. If I didn't know that yours was translated with specific text manipulation, inaccuracies, irregularities, and the like, I might have refused the offer.

One other point of decorum you might consider. It's not exactly good manners to invite someone to have a seat on their own property. It's my house. I'll sit down if I damn well please, thank you very much. You are no rabbi for me to huddle at your feet on the patio steps. Ahem. Anyway.

I do appreciate people with conviction, even if that conviction is misguided. It's good to know there are people in the world who still believe in something, even if it is an awkwardly misinterpreted deformation of my own faith. (Okay, I know... I don't think there's anything good about bastardizing Scripture. I'm just trying to be diplomatic here.) But have a little more gumption, please. I know my walls were up, and it was obvious. I didn't know you, and you were condescending to me with a Bible in your hands. Bad idea. But just because I tell you, 'Actually, I've read that book all the way through,' just because I mention interpretation and ancient Greek, just because I ask about authorship and translation doesn't mean you should run! Please! I've never heard of a reliable Jehovah's Witness biblical scholar. Couldn't you just give me one? A name? A book? Anything? I'm curious, really. I'm not interested in your tract - mostly because I don't want you calling me about it later. But I'd be very interested to read someone intelligent from your church respond, let's say, to Joseph Bottum of First Things. Or N. T. Wright (much as he annoys me personally). If I just saw that you were in conversation with actual scholars and pastors and intelligent men of faith, I might consider you credible.

One last thing. I know we're standing outside and all, but we're in the shade. Take off your sunglasses when you speak to a stranger about the kingdom of God. Let them see your face. Have that courtesy, please.