I haven't been to a Walmart in several years. They weird me out and make me very angry with human beings. Those long aisles of cheap toys and garden rakes spell destruction and abuse. A world gone awry, globalism at its most careless and unimaginative. Well, I went yesterday. I needed to buy some crafty things for work, and since it's not my money, I had to do it the cheapest way possible. Ugh.
Let me tell you how not to walk into Walmart. First, do not listen to Radiohead's 'Sit Down. Stand Up.' while you drive there and park. 'Walk into the jaws of hell...' is not a line you want playing in your head as you trudge slow motion through the hottest day of summer over the asphalt and into those doors. Also, bring a map if you can. Because circling around the perimeter of the store, dodging impulse displays and mothers with rolly carts, staring down the vast aisles of disposable kitchenware in search of puff balls and glitter paint... it can be disorienting if not downright damaging. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, wear earplugs. Not for the screaming children, though drowning them out is certainly an added benefit. The earplugs are for the Voices. I am not making this up. There's a floaty woman's voice that plays just above your head as you walk around telling you what the latest discounts are. I thought I was in Feed. It felt like the end of the world. I would not have been surprised if an automaton had approached me with food samples in little cups.
Suffice it to say, I will not be going back for a very long while. And when I do, I will know to take precautions.
Let me tell you how not to walk into Walmart. First, do not listen to Radiohead's 'Sit Down. Stand Up.' while you drive there and park. 'Walk into the jaws of hell...' is not a line you want playing in your head as you trudge slow motion through the hottest day of summer over the asphalt and into those doors. Also, bring a map if you can. Because circling around the perimeter of the store, dodging impulse displays and mothers with rolly carts, staring down the vast aisles of disposable kitchenware in search of puff balls and glitter paint... it can be disorienting if not downright damaging. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, wear earplugs. Not for the screaming children, though drowning them out is certainly an added benefit. The earplugs are for the Voices. I am not making this up. There's a floaty woman's voice that plays just above your head as you walk around telling you what the latest discounts are. I thought I was in Feed. It felt like the end of the world. I would not have been surprised if an automaton had approached me with food samples in little cups.
Suffice it to say, I will not be going back for a very long while. And when I do, I will know to take precautions.
I think the Walmart in my home town is the most uncomfortable/scary/pathetic place I've ever been. Nothing like being surrounded by a hundred very low income/no prospects/uneducated types with the distinct possibility of running into someone you knew in high school that hasn't aged well...or has.
ReplyDeleteMolly, if there was a blog called "Stuff White People Don't Like", you could write this as the title page. Seriously.
ReplyDeletei know. especially since i mentioned radiohead. i'm pretty sure that's a white person band. though i should have mentioned a white person novel - not some teen sci-fi no one's read but me and some high school students. it should be thomas pynchon. gravity's rainbow.
ReplyDeleteBut have you seen this website yet?
ReplyDeletehttp://beta.peopleofwalmart.com/
oh. my. sheesh.
ReplyDeleteO.O
ReplyDeleteThat is an awesome website!